Excerpt from GOOD SUCCESS: Learning Good Lessons from Bad Leaders. Page 272

I don’t know of a better way to fall out of positive relationship than for a leader to communicate with word, or impression that they have superior knowledge and therefore they are a superior person. Ever heard of the “kiss of death”? This is it.

The late Dr. Dennis Kinlaw stated: “There is no greater slavery than that which insists that you must have your own way…in every situation. Nothing in the world destroys human relationships more quickly and completely than this bondage to one’s own wishes. This tyranny pollutes marriages, friendships, and parent-child relationships.” I add work and vocationally related relationships.

There are big differences among self-interest, which is a good thing, and selfishness and self-absorption, which are not. What I have observed in the behavior of suboptimal, and even really bad leaders, is a tendency to move beyond self-interest. Often, it is success that fuels the transition from self-interest, to selfishness and finally to self-absorption. When people reach the self-absorption stage, everything is indeed all about them. When leader a becomes self-absorbed, they may not notice the transition, but others will.

Self-absorption is so common in the workplace, entertainment, sports and politics that it has been a theme of many TV comedy and drama shows. Prime character examples are Homer Simpson of the Simpsons, Sheldon Cooper of Big Bang Theory, Frasier Crane of Frasier, George Costanza of Seinfeld, and Mandy Baxter of Last Man Standing. The commonality of these characters is their inability to get over themselves and to see their immediate and greater world through eyes of others rather than just their own. They, like many bad leaders are insufferable.

Self-absorption is troublesome enough when found in TV and movie characters, but it can be devastating in the lives of those with whom one works and to whom one reports.

Unburdening oneself of the need to be a know-it-all, the need be right all the time, and self-absorption are positive steps toward being emotionally mature and becoming a successful leader. It takes awareness and willingness to do so.

[i] Dennis F. Kinlaw, This Day with the Master, (Grand Rapids, Zondervan, 2002)